Believe
by TroubledThoughts
Summary: Kurt doesn't believe in Valentine's Day... That is, until a certain someone comes along to change his mind. Finally updated, after for-freakin-ever!
1. The Worst Day of the Year

**_Believe - A KurtxFinn Valentine's Story_**

**_Kurt doesn't believe in Valentine's Day... That is, until a certain someone comes along to change his mind._**

_**M for language and sex references in the early chapters, and more than references later on! o.O**_

**_In honor of the awesome stuff I've been reading from the great authors that write fiction for this show (You know who you are), Glee winning 'Best Musical Or Comedy' a week or so ago, and Valentines' Day coming up, I present my first yaoi fic, along with my first Glee fic._**

_**I owns nothing. :(**_

_**Enjoy.**_

* * *

**Believe**

The halls of McKinley High were already decked out in pink and red hearts and streamers, cupid cutouts, and heart-shaped balloons.

And it was only February 1st. Kurt Hummel sighed, looking dismally down at his feet as he trudged to the choir room. This was the absolute worst time of the year. It all started in the sixth grade...

Kurt had always known he was gay. About the time he should have started liking girls, Kurt found that he had weird feelings about his (at the time) best friend, Noah. And the more he thought about it, the stranger they got.

The craziest thing was a cold early December day, at Noah's house, the two of them along with a bunch of other guys from school were playing backyard football. It had just rained, so the ground was muddy and water still dripped from the trees and the railings of Noah's second-story balcony. Not wanting to get their clothes all nasty and dirty, most of the boys had taken their shirts off, and Kurt found himself surrounded by muddy, half-naked boys with ripped jeans, tan chests, and great abs. That's the first time he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he was gay. And halfway through the game, when he tackled Noah to the ground, and for that split second, was on top of him, he felt waves of electric through his body. Noah's eyes met his, and he was sure it had to mean something. Somehow the two ended up wrestling in the mud over the ball, which abruptly ended when Kurt had Noah pinned to the ground beneath him, and suddenly felt his pants get tighter than they already were. When he looked down to discover a growing boner, he got scared and bolted into the house through the back door, and slipped into the hall bathroom, his hands shaking.

'_What have I done?'_

If Noah had noticed, he didn't act like it, and two months later, Kurt decided he was going to tell Noah about everything. And since Valentines' day was right around the corner, he decided he would wait for that day, that fateful day, full of marriage proposals, love letters, secret admirers, and sweet affections. When better to come out to your best friend than a day like that?

So Kurt set to work on a beautiful handmade Valentine card, and used all his saved money to buy one of those huge teddy bears. It was the biggest one they had, honey-colored and so, so soft.

And then, on Thursday, February 14th, when he showed up to school, his plan fresh in his head, ready and waiting for after school when Noah was coming over to hang out, he discovered the one thing that shattered his entire world.

Noah had a girlfriend. A fucking beautiful, blond, perky, bubbly cheerleader girlfriend. A girlfriend that had charmed him just that morning with her bright red lipstick and B-cup boobs and silly little Valentine gifts.

A girlfriend that had stolen him from right under Kurt's nose.

At the sight, the boy burst into tears, running through the crowded hallways, never before wanting so badly to just _die._

Now, four years later, Kurt couldn't care less about Noah. Well, Puck now. Nobody called him his real name anymore. Puck, always Puck. Because just like his name, Noah had changed. Completely changed. By now, Kurt barely recognized him anymore. And Puck was fine with that.

But... Now he had his eyes set on someone else. Another football player, (Hey, he knew what he liked...) that used to be good friends with Puck. A guy that was in Glee too. A guy that was incredibly cute, and quite charming in his dumb football player way. A guy that just never seemed to notice Kurt, no matter how hard he tried.

Finn.

_**By the way, I decided to write this for a few reasons. 1. I would love to see Kurt and Finn together, because I would love my dear Kurt Hummel to be happy. And 2. Um... This one's awkward. I was looking through my list of favorite stories the other day, and came to realize that, well, all but one my favorites are yaoi (slash, boy on boy, whatever you wanna call it), but all my published stories are het. So, I decided to give this stuff a shot :)  
Oh, and, if you haven't read my other stuff, you should know... I thrive on ideas. Particularly the ones of others. My point is, if you think there's a way to improve this chapter, or there's something in particular you'd like to see happen in the future, review or message me. The more feedback I get, the better your story will be. Scientifical fact. ;) Grazie!**_

_**Ciao-  
Rosalina**_


	2. Brighter Than Sunshine

**_Thanks for the faves, alerts, etc. You're all awesome! :D_**

As soon as he set down his new designer messenger bag and sat down on the risers, with a dramatic sigh, Mercedes was by his side. Which cheered him up slightly, the fact that someone in the world cared.

"Alright, what's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing. I just don't see what the big deal is about all this Valentines' Day crap."

"It's not crap, Kurt, its a time for love and happiness and--"

"When was the last time someone was in love with me, Mercedes?"

She barely had opened her mouth to speak before Kurt added "Don't answer that."

She'd have laughed if he wasn't so serious. "Well, Kurt, you never know. Anything could happen. I'm sure there's a guy out there for you. You just don't know him yet. Or maybe you do. Maybe he's just shy."

"Yeah. That's what I've been telling myself for years now. And I'm starting to think that, though I'm never wrong, this time, I may be."

"I don't think so, Kurt. You believe what you want, but I think there's someone that would love to be with a guy like you. Trust me."

"Oh darling, I wish I could." He smiled sadly as he watched Finn run in, just reaching the threshold of the door when the bell rang.

"Glad you could join us Finn."

The jock smiled sheepishly and answered, "Sorry Mr. Schue, there was... Something I had to do." He seemed to want to say more, but stopped himself.

"Alright then..." Mr. Schuester said awkwardly, "Let's get to it. I have a new mash up for you guys, because we're going to be performing one number in a Valentines' Day show, on, well, the 14th, obviously. This is a mashup of Aqualung's 'Brighter Than Sunshine', Bon Jovi's 'Always', Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance', and Cascada's 'Every Time We Touch'."

The high schoolers looked around at each other, shrugging.

"So, come get your music please, and we'll give this one a shot."

There was a rustling of bodies and papers as everyone got a sheet of music.

The lyrics read:

_Duet: (Male) "I never understood before, I never knew what love was for, my heart was broke my head was sore what a feeling" (Female) "Tied up in ancient history, I didn't believe in destiny, I look up you're standin next to me, what a feeling" (Both) "What a feeling in my soul, love burns brighter than sunshine, brighter than sunshine, let the rain fall I don't care, I'm yours and suddenly you're mine, suddenly you're mine..."  
(All Boys) "And I, will love you, baby, always, and I'll be there forever and a day, always, I'll be there til the stars don't shine, til the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme, know that when I die, you'll be on my mind, and I'll love you," (All) "Always"  
(Male) "And it's brighter than sunshine"  
(All Girls) "Without you its hard to survive, cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling, and everytime we kiss I swear I could fly, can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last, I need you by my side, cause everytime we touch, I feel the static, and everytime we kiss I reach for the stars, can't you feel my heart beat so, I can't let you go, want you in my life..."  
(Female) "And its brighter than sunshine... I never saw it happenin, I'd given up and given in, just couldn't take the hurt again, what a feeling."  
(Male) "I didn't have the strength to fight, but suddenly it seemed so right, me and you, what a feeling,"  
(All Boys) "Well there ain't no luck, in these loaded dice, but baby if you give me just one try, we can pack up our old dreams and our old lives, we'll find a place where the sun still shines."  
(All Girls) "I want your love, and I want your revenge, I want your love, I don't wanna be friends, je veux ton amour, et je veux de revanche, je veux ton amour, I don't wanna be friends, I don't wanna be friends, I don't wanna be friends," (One)"Want your bad romance!"  
(All Girls) "I want your love and all your lover's revenge, you and me could write a bad romance, oh, oh, oh, caught in a bad romance." (One) "Want your bad romance!"  
(All boys) "And it's brighter than the sun, brighter than the sun, brighter than the sun, sun shine..."  
(Male) "Love will remain a mystery, but give me your hand and you will see, your heart is keeping time with me"  
(All) "What a feeling in my soul, love burns brighter than sunshine, brighter than sunshine, let the rain fall I don't care, I'm yours and suddenly you're mine, and it's brighter than..."  
(Boys) "Sunshine" (Girls) "Always"  
_  
"We do need soloists for the time being, would anyone like to step up?"

Kurt could swear Rachel's hand was up before the 's' in 'soloists' was out of Mr. Schue's mouth.

"Alright, Rachel aaand..." Mr. Schue scanned the room for anyone that remotely looked interested. Finding no one, he chose Finn. "How about you Finn?"

"Sure." He answered, almost sarcastically, "Why not?"

As much as he hated all this, Kurt had to admit to himself that he'd love to be the one up there with Finn, singing his heart out. But of course, Mr. Schue would never go for that, much less Finn. So he may as well not even dream.

Yet, as he watched the pair sing, he couldn't help but notice the terrible chemistry between them. Well, mainly the way Rachel was trying way too hard and Finn was totally ignoring her. And the way Finn kept... Looking at him?

No, he was probably just looking at Brittany, or Quinn, or Santana, on the top riser. There was something going on about cheerleaders and underwear right now, he was probably just trying to get a peek up one of their skirts.

Why, then, did he keep catching Kurt's eye? He must just be imagining it. He shook it off and went back to singing his part, trying his hardest to concentrate on the words, but it was hard when he didn't believe in what he was saying.

By the end of class, Kurt was in a state somewhere between depression and confusion, which wasn't the greatest place to be.

Begrudgingly, he trudged to his locker to get his math book, (along with coordinating binder of course), and was bound and detemined to stay in this mood until this whole damn 'month of love' was over. And he probably would have.

If...

_**Haha got you with the if! Guess who has to wait on the edge of their seat for an update!? That would be you. You, my lovely, wonderful, patient, awesome, forgiving readers! Aren't you great!? Yes. Yes you are. You really are.  
Anyway... Um... If you don't like the mashup, I am truly sorry. My writing skills highly exceed my mashup skills. And as odd as it looks on paper, it sounds great in my head ;) I wish you guys could hear what I hear. I truly do.  
Story gets better! I swear on my Vampire Knight volume three! (Yes, I am a nerd. Shut up.) It gets better -and longer- in the next chapter. (And the chapter after has a very hot scene that I have already written! Muahaha, read on to find out!**_


	3. If

**_You've been waiting long enough. You've been so patient and good to me, and I really want to give this to you, and I know you really want it. THATS WHAT SHE SAID!  
...Anyway..._**

Thanks for the like gazillion favorites. And thanks for the reviews. Just so you know, yes, all the baby drama is sort of in process right now. I'm gonna say that Puck got her pregnant either right before the school year started, or right after, meaning sometime in August/September. Now it's February, so its been five or six months. I'm gonna go with that everything in (the first season of) the show has already happened, and this is sort of a continuation?

Yeah, I just decided that about a day before I did this chapter. Now that I realize this story is actually something that lots of people are actually reading, I've started worrying about how accurate the story is to the real story (the wheres, the whens, the hows), and about how much I update, and how often. Cause I haven't updated my older Naruto stories in for. ever.  
_Onward._

Chapter 3 - If

If...  
If there hadn't been something in his locker that wasn't there before. Something bright red. Something flat. Something with his name on it, in painstakingly beautiful calligraphy. He picked up the envelope to find a vibrant red rose beneath it. He stuck the envelope in his bag, along with his books, and gently turned the rose between his fingers as he tried to resolve all the questions his mind was giving him. He headed across campus to his next class, hoping just for once nothing bad would happen. That maybe he wouldn't get beat up for being a 'queer-ass little faggot', or asked 'how is it to take it up the butt?', or 'how did that dick taste last night, Hummel?'. Maybe he wouldn't get a soda in his face, maybe he wouldn't get shoved in a locker, or (as happened on only one occasion) picked up and thrown into a trash can. Maybe today would just suck a little bit less.

Of this, he was completely convinced by the time he walked into math class without anything bad happening. So for a moment, he let go of his Valentine's depression, sat in his front-row seat, found the perfect little envelope, and opened it.

On fancy, unlined Valentiney stationary, in the same beautiful hand, was written:

_'Take this, as you've taken my heart, Hold it close as I wish you'd hold me, Watch it bloom like a love that I wish I could start, And I hope it will make you see.'  
_  
He read it through, several times, loving the words even as they confused him. Well, not necessarily the words themselves confused him. They were obvious. What confused him was who they could have possibly come from.

He started running through a list of possibilities, guys and girls, in his head, until some damn football player came and snatched the little slice of beauty right out of his hands.

"Hm, what's this, Hummel?" He asked.

"Love letter from your _booooyfrieeeeend?_" Another chimed in mockingly, as the rest of the teens in the room started to laugh.

Kurt's face turned bright red. This was the first time they'd ever picked on him in class. And this time, it hurt worse, because everyone was watching, and because this was something important.

"Yeah." He said, his voice strong, even through the embarassment. He stood up, setting the rose gently on his desk, in direct contrast to the look on his face and the slow, furious movements of his body. "Yeah it is. It's from my boyfriend. Do any of you have a problem with that?" He all but yelled.

The room was shocked into silence, until he heard a soft snicker from a boy in the back of the crowd. Puck.

Kurt glared at the mohawked football player, his eyes willing him to self-implode and die. Puck looked right back at him before he spoke.

"Yeah." Puck said loudly. "I do have a problem with it. My problem is that you used to be my friend, then suddenly you turned into a homo. My problem is that you got horny over me in middle school. My problem is you probably have all these gay-ass fantasies about me every night. My problem is that you're a fag."

"That's a _lie_." Kurt hissed, as he stepped forward and pushed through the crowd. "That's a damn lie. I hate you Noah Puckerman, with everything that I am, _I hate you_." He snarled as they came face-to-face. (Well, except for Puck being taller than him. But that didn't matter right now.)

"Really? You didn't seem to mind me at all during that football game, Hummel..."

Puck never saw it coming as Kurt's small fist collided with the side of his face. "What the fuck!?" He growled, holding his swelling jaw.

"Did you not hear me _Noah_?" He demanded. The boys around them began to laugh. Puck getting beat up by a little gay boy. This was fucking priceless. "I said I hate you." Kurt felt tears stinging in his eyes but refused to let them out. "I hate you, I _hate you_. And I'm not just going to take this abuse from you. From any of you! Not anymore. I'm so sick of it!"

"Kurt..."

"No, shut up. Every time you open your mouth, I want to hit you."

"Really? You're gonna fight me? I'll kick your sad little ass, don't think I won't."

"Like you could. Any of you."

The boys started yelling, cursing at Kurt and egging him on, begging for a fight, begging him to _'show me what you got'_, laughing, teasing, saying _'lemme hold your earrings Hummel!' _or_ 'Girlfight!'_

The last bell rang, and their teacher, (Who was a mean old hag) walked in and demanded they all sit down.

Reluctantly, they did, Kurt's envelope somehow finding its way back to his desk. When he got there, though, the rose was on the floor, crushed, like it had been stepped on, and he looked back to see Puck in the back row, swollen jaw and all, with a smirk across his bruised face that clearly said 'I win.'

Kurt picked it up gingerly and sat down. Several of the red petals fell to the ground and he let them lie there, in their own piteous injury.

And frickin life frickin went on around him. The teacher insisted on teaching a damn lesson, not caring what anyone had done or was doing, and apparently didn't even notice what he'd done to Puck. Which Kurt was kinda thankful for. He'd never punched anyone in his life. Well, really punched somebody, like he meant it. He hadn't even realized he hated Puck until he said what he said. It was like that damn Valentine's Day all over again, and if there was anything Kurt wished he could completely erase from his life, it was that day.

He ran his fingers over the thorns of the rose methodically, rhythmically. 'If you could only see...' He didn't quite know who. Puck? Finn? Whoever this secret lover was?

_'If you could only see, me from the inside maybe you'd, understand I don't get why, we have to take sides why's it always a fight?'_

No. None of them. It was about his dad, he understood as he wrote it down among his random collection of lyrics he came up with but never shared.

What had brought him into this? Well, it was actually quite simple. They all thought the same. Puck and his friends and the football players and his dad, they all felt the same. Or rather, _didn't feel_ the same. None of them seemed to have an ounce of feeling inside them. But he wrote about his dad the most. He was the first one to know, and the first one to see him differently, and as_ less_ of a person because he was gay. When he thought about it, (Which was a lot) he'd just wanted his father to support him, like fathers are supposed to do. And he'd turned his back on him, which at the time, had shocked and hurt him very much. But he made lyrics out of it.

_'Pain, I'll make you beautiful, pain you're like my refuge in the storm pain, like a flood in a drought the more, you have the more you find that you can take.'  
_  
That was a little piece. But he'd gotten good at it. Hiding, pretending. His true self was only in his lyrics. And no one ever saw them.

But that was okay. No one needed to. The only wish he had was one day to show them all to Finn.

But that would never ever happen. He reminded himself, and softly plucked another petal from the rose, set it in his lyrics book, and shut it, pressing the little bit of love between secret pages.

Never.

**_So, was this chapter okay? Review? ;)  
By the way... Does it ever say in the show what grades they're all in? It'd be great if someone could fill me in. If not, I'll make it up._**


	4. Perfection

**_I guess I could call this much-awaited? A few of you seem very excited about it... I guess I'm pretty excited too... Pretty nervous, really. Here goes nothin'. Oh, the first part is a piece of the last chapter, told in Finn's point of view, so the beginning isn't confusing._**

**_Oh, I realized I forgot to say... I changed this. I despise the thought of Finn being so stupid as to think anyone could get pregnant from a hot tub. So... One thing that had to change was that Finn and Quinn never had sex. I meant to write this in before, but... I fail sometimes. Wow, I realized the first time I posted this chapter, it was all fucked up and out of order when it got to the flashback. Don't know what happened there. So sorry. It should be fixed now._**

**_:D Enjoy._**

**_Four - Perfection_**

Finn dashed into the choir room, late. Again. Wouldn't be the first time, wouldn't be the last. But dammit, he had a good reason this time! Such a good reason that he didn't mind the way everyone watched him as he came in. Such a good reason that he couldn't keep a damn smile off his face. Such a good reason that he didn't even care when Mr. Schue made him sing with Rachel.

What was that reason?

Kurt.

As much as Kurt hated Valentine's Day, Finn would make him love it. He wanted to make him happy. Not just at Valentines. All the time.

So he'd written a little something for him. A very little something. Not like any of his insanely personal lyrics or anything. Those would come later. Hopefully.

And he'd bought a red rose this morning, hoping he would see the beauty in it. Who'd have thought it was so hard to get a surprise Valentine's present for a guy? And Kurt said girls were trouble.

Finn had to laugh at that thought. Like Kurt was any less complicated and high-maintenance than a girl. But Finn couldn't live without him.

If he only knew it...

_'If you only knew, what's goin' on in my head, well that would put you, one step ahead, of where I am right now, I wish that I knew how, to figure all this out, as the world all comes down, on me, suddenly, it's meant to be, suddenly, you're all I need.'_

...That was a little piece of the song Finn wrote when he found out he liked Kurt. A lot. Of course, no one knew. No one had any idea. He wanted Kurt to know. He wanted Kurt to be the first to know. Then everyone else could know. Cause then he wouldn't care. He would have his Kurt. Would have his angel...

So when he had to sing with... Rachel Berry, ew, he kept telling himself to just imagine she was Kurt, or imagine it was him and Kurt alone...

Wait, whoa, no, not that. Bad idea.

That he was singing this to him, then. That's what he'd do. Sing it to him. Just him.

So he caught Kurt's eye and started singing everything he wished he could say. Everything he wasn't brave enough to.

_'And suddenly it seemed so right, me and you, what a feeling'... _And it felt like that was exactly how it happened.

To say that the first time Finn noticed Kurt was in Glee would be a lie. He'd had his eye on the boy since about the seventh or eighth grade. He'd always seen him as something special, someone he'd wanted to know, but... Everytime he'd try to talk to him, he never knew what to say. Almost like Kurt was a girl. Not just any girl, but a really hot one. Finn tried to tell himself for a while that it was just because Kurt was gay. It was normal for a straight guy to feel socially awkward around a gay guy, right? That was perfectly understandable.

And then... Last summer, something... _happened, _something..._ changed. _He was with Quinn, at her house...

_The small blond girl was gasping for air, recovering from a violent orgasm. Above her, Finn smiled tiredly, glad he could make her feel this way, and starting to come down after his own. He got off of her, took off the condom and threw it out, and came back to lay next to her. She snuggled up to his chest, lovingly, affectionately. "My Finn..." she whispered and kissed him softly on the cheek. "I love you." "I love you too." He said, putting his arms around her and pulling the covers over them. He was satisfied, even happy, with this beautiful cheerleader's body pressed against his, her chest rising and falling against his own, her heartbeat almost in time with his. Sure, her body felt perfect, she was sexy and she loved him. What more could he ask for? He didn't know. He tried to shake off the feeling that something wasn't right. After all, his mind was pretty blurry right now. Maybe it was just that this was his first time, but it wasn't hers. He was probably just worried about whether he was as good as the last guy. Ack, he'd rather not think about that._

_In his arms, Quinn had fallen asleep, her breathing even, her face peaceful.  
_  
'No,' _he thought,_ 'this isn't wrong. how could something that feels so right be wrong?' _Satisfied with that thought, he turned off his thoughts and was soon asleep._

He was kissing someone furiously. Kissing them hard. On their bed. He could feel the other person's bare chest against his own, could feel their hard nipples, as he had them pinned down against the bed. He didn't even give a second thought about the fact that their chest was totally flat.

The other's nails clawed into his shoulders, his collarbone, his back. Finn moaned softly into the other's hot mouth, and the lover bit down on Finn's tongue as small hands worked on the zipper to his jeans.

His eyes snapped open, (they'd been closed for the kiss) and he gasped loudly. Since it was a dream, he couldn't see his partner's face. And also since it was a dream, he didn't mind.

The hands continued their work, adventurously grabbing his hard, swollen dick through his thin boxers, rubbing it, squeezing it, stroking it, and moving down to fondle and squeeze his balls occasionally. Finn moaned loudly as he kissed and sucked his lover's neck. "Stop... stop, mmmm..." Finn bit down, trying to get rid of the pressure in his stomach. "Stop... Gonna... Ohhh..."

The hand was pulled away, and Finn was pulled into another deep kiss, loving the skill of his partner's tongue, and the way they knew just how to make him feel amazing.

Finn felt his lover's hands pushing on his butt, making Finn grind against their long, hard cock.

Wait... _What?_

How did that... feel so _damn good!?_

"Oh fuck..." Finn moaned into the other boy's ear.

"What is it Finn? Does that feel good? Do you like my hard cock grinding against yours? Do you like the way I please your body, Finn?" he said in a very tempting, and slightly girlish voice.

"Yes. Yes, don't stop!" Finn begged.

The other boy was on top of Finn now, dragging his nails down Finn's chest, biting his neck, sucking his hard nipples.

"Oh damn... Please! Mmmm..." Finn ran his fingers through the other's soft hair, pulling it a little too roughly. He touched the other boy's neck, his shoulders, holding on tight to whatever he could reach. He settled on rubbing the other boy's slim hips, grabbing them tightly, like he wouldn't dare to touch Quinn or any girl, moving him back and forth, up and down, making a wonderful slow, tantalizing friction. And making his lover moan.

_Oh damn_ was that a beautiful sound. Just his partner's _voice_ was dragging Finn to the edge faster than he wanted.

His nails dug into the the other boy's impossibly soft skin.

"Ohhhh... Nnn, Finn... You're... Close, aren't you?"

"Yeah..." Finn whispered.

Then the other body was gone. Finn whined, looking for his lover.

He didn't have to wait long though, because he felt his hands pulling down his boxers.

Then, he felt the most amazing, mind-blowing feeling in the world.

His lover's mouth. On his cock.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck yes..." Finn chanted as he pulled the other boy's very soft hair.

The other boy had barely started on him when Finn came hard in his mouth, his lover's name (which he suddeny knew - hey, dream logic sucks) the silent scream that ecstatically fell from his lips.

"Kuuurrrt..."

_Then he'd woken up, in Quinn's bed, with sticky boxers, and the sight of Kurt's eyes looking up at him lustfully with his lips wrapped around Finn's (more than average) cock, burned into his vision. _

And knew.

Yeah, he was screwed. There he was, with a beautiful, naughty, sexy blond cheerleader, in her bed, after an amazing round of sex, not to mention Finn's very first, and he has a wet dream about a guy. About Kurt. He'd just had a wet dream about damn Kurt Hummel.

What the hell!?

And when Quinn had woken up and discovered her boyfriend in such a state, she had giggled and had to 'clean him up', considering she thought it had been about her... _(_He _used to_ feel really guilty about that.)

But was it really his fault that Kurt was so... So... Finn wasn't even sure what he was. He was just Kurt. And he was perfect.

_'...Perfection... isn't so hard to find anymore, reflection, of the one that I live for...'_

**O_h snap... Finn's got it bad...  
Wow, um, first sorta sex scene I've ever written and published. Uh, was it okay? Pointers? Something in particluar you loved? Loved the whole thing?  
Review please!  
...Still can't believe I just did that...  
_**


	5. Maybe

_**So, not everything is exactly like it is in the show. I changed some stuff. And I change things without always saying I change them, and I know that I'm probably going to change things that some people might not like. So I'm sorry. I'm trying to write the best story that I can, and I can't do that without bending some rules. I'm not that good of a writer. What I'm saying is, I'm trying my hardest. I will stick to the real story as closely as I can, but I'll change and elaborate on some things for the sake of the story. So if I have or ever do make you angry, I'm sorry.  
Chapter 5 - Maybe**_

Maybe it wasn't the best idea.

Maybe he shouldn't have smarted off to his ex-best friend, who was not only physically stronger than him, but also had lots of friends just as big and strong as he was. Not to mention that one secret that Kurt thought nobody knew. Why, after all these years, would Puck suddenly explode on him? He'd never done anything to Puck. Well, not really.

But... In any case, Puck was mad. Very mad. As in, Kurt could feel the jock's glare on him the rest of the day. As in, the look on Puck's face everytime he saw Kurt was enough to make Kurt sure he was about to get beat up. Not pushed, not shoved, not punched. Beat up.

And of all the terrible things that had happened to him when he came out, he'd never gotten full out beat up. Nobody had ever hurt him out of anger, or hate. Just for fun. Just to hurt him because they could. Just for the hell of it.

But Kurt wasn't afraid. Not of Puck. He'd already caused Kurt the worst pain he'd ever felt, without even knowing it. What could he do that was worse than that?

With that _wonderful_ thought in mind, he walked into Glee, third period. He was smiling. After all, if he'd made it through all eight classes yesterday, what was to keep him from doing it today? If he'd been doing this for half a year already, what was one more day?

He took a seat, as far away from Puck as he could, the bell rang, and Finn ran in, seconds after it, looking disheveled and slightly out of breath.

_'Probably from making out with some cheerleader...'_

"Sorry Mr. Schue, I... Had to go talk to Coach."

Kurt could easily tell he was lying, by the look on his face. Not only that, but he'd made up the lie off the top of his head. Silly, silly Finn.

(He was very analytical, as he was, well, a great liar, so he always knew when someone else was pretending. Especially Finn. As awesome as he may have been at everything else, Kurt doubted Finn could tell a convincing lie to save his own life.)

He could also tell by looking at Mr. Schuester that he didn't believe Finn either. But the teacher let it slide.

"Sure. Wouldn't want to keep you from him. You know how he gets." He laughed, but the tone in his voice was too serious for that to have been a meaningless joke.

"Yeah." Finn agreed, halfheartedly, just happy to get away with it. This 'late' thing was gonna have to stop. But he didn't want to take the chance of everyone seeing him. Or Kurt seeing him. It would just ruin the entire effect. It was a secret. A beautiful, loving, terrifying, amazing secret that made Finn's heart beat fast whenever he thought about it, and made him sweat when he thought of being found out. And in spite of all of this, and the fact that he'd found little pieces of his rose scattered on the floor in his fifth period math class, he was going to continue his mission. This was his way of making Kurt happy, and dammit, nothing was gonna mess it up!

Finn looked over at Kurt, to find him staring, and they both looked away shyly. Then he glanced at Puck, on the other side of the room, and recieved the evilest of glares. He wondered why, as last time Puck had talked to him, he'd asked to be forgiven. Was he angry for not forgiving him? Was he angry because Finn was gay? Wait, how would Puck know that? Maybe he saw him! How could he be sure? What would happen now?

"Well, take a seat. Finn. There's a spot next to Kurt or one by Puck. We need to get class started."

"Right." Finn said, taking the seat by Kurt and trying to make the whirl of thoughts leave him alone.

"So. Has everyone worked on their music?"

Yes-es and no-s bounced around in a low murmur.

"Hope so. Cause auditions are tomorrow for the solo parts. Today we'll be practicing with everyone singing, and tomorrow we will have auditions. Alright? Alright. Now to work on your parts."

The music started and Finn was surprised to find that Kurt was singing the girl part. He knew he had a beautiful girly voice (and beautiful girly eyes and hands and lips and figure...) but it never occured to him that he would sing with the girls. It just seemed so... Unconventional, he guessed.

He sang it better than anyone else, though, Finn thought, and after the first few lines, it felt like the two boys were the only ones in the room. The only ones in the world. And Finn couldn't help but stare as his mind took them to another place all alone.

...What a feeling...

**_This one's pretty short, I know, and didn't have all that much meaning to it. But I reeaaalllly needed to post something, because, dammit, I am NOT giving up on this story! And if I don't update, and people lose interest, then I will lose interest. And that cannot happen. So I needed to post. And, if you didn't notice, I changed chapter 4 because apparently, I am chronologically challenged and somehow managed to get my sentences in the wrong order. So if it bothered you, it is now fixed. :) New chapter WILL be out SOON. Not lying. Love love LOVE you guys for staying with me. :)  
--Rose_**


	6. Secret Lover

**_Chapter 6 - Secret Lover  
Well guys, its been forever. Seriously. I have no excuse. But, for anyone who thinks I am giving up on this story, let me just tell you, I'm not. I wrote the last chapter and began writing backwards. Now I just have to fill in this gaping hole between now and the end. So, it may (coughcough_WILL_cough) take me a long tine in between chapters. Once again, I have no excuse more than lack of inspiration, probably caused by stress. Thanks for sticking by me anyway. You're the greatest.  
_**  
The gift Kurt found today was a candy necklace and another note. This time, he opened it before he got to class. Specifically, leaning back against the wall at the beginning of sophomore hall, with the necklace resting on his chest, untouched since he put it on, so the little colored candies wouldn't stain his new white sweater.

This letter was written out, in a neat scrawl, (and completely uncapitalized, which, oddly, was the way Kurt always wrote _his_ lyrics) and Kurt found it was not a letter, but a rather short poem.

_'thinking of you today/ thinking of the way/ you always bring a smile to my face/ your hope, your charm, your grace/ keep me waiting for more/ and i can't help but adore/ every little thing about/ the boy i cannot do without.'_

The words rang in Kurt's head, and he smiled just thinking about the fact that someone wrote this for him. Just for him. The words were simple, nothing special really, just rhymes that anyone could probably come up with. But, simple as they were, the fact that they were for him made him sigh in happiness like a little schoolgirl with a crush.

Not that that was something new.

He took one more look before putting the poem in his pocket and walking into the classroom, pretending nothing had just happened, and trying really hard to ward off the grin that threatened to give away his great pretending.

He shot a quick glance at Puck, who was in the corner talking to some other football players, and carefully eyed him as he walked in.

Kurt fidgeted with his candy necklace and looked away. He wondered if this secret lover would kick Puck's ass if he knew the way he treated Kurt. This brought a grin to Kurt's face. He imagined that they would. If they were brave enough to give him their lyrics, they should be brave enough to beat up a football player. But also... Shouldn't they be brave enough to come right out and _say_ who they are?

_'I know..._' Kurt thought. _'I'll leave them a little note of my own...' _And with that, he gingerly tore a piece of paper from his spiral notebook and began to write.

--The Next Day, Before Glee--

The halls were still empty. Finn had left right before the end of class, on purpose, so he wouldn't quite have enough time to get back. He looked around nervously before opening Kurt's locker while pulling something out of his pocket. He quickly set it inside and was going to leave, but something caught his eye.

_'Secret Lover,' _was on the very top of a note taped neatly to the inside of the door.

Finn's heart jumped. Had Kurt found out it was him?

Panicked, he ripped the note down and shoved it hurriedly in his pocket, leaving the note to Kurt and the little present forgotten inside, and slamming the door hard.

Before he could move, the bell rang, and he rushed into the empty music room. He slid down against the wall and, hands shaking, pulled out the now-crumpled note. This was it. He'd been found out, and it was Kurt laughing in his face, telling him how he'd never date some dumbass football player. It was Kurt saying his poetry was stupid, and that Finn should just leave him alone. It was...

Well, no, actually, it was nothing like that.

_'Secret Lover,' _it read, _'I don't know who you are yet but... I just want to thank you. Nobody's ever done anything like this for me before. I really wish I knew who you were, because you're making me so happy. But, my secret lover, why me? I must know... Why am I so special? And why can't you just tell me who you are?  
I'll be waiting...  
P.S... I adore your little poems.'_

_'Really?_' Finn thought, _'I was scared about nothing? He's actually happy? Because of me? Wow...'_

"Finn?"

The voice startled him, but he looked over to find it was only Mr. Schue.

"Is something wrong?" The teacher asked.

Finn shook his head. "Nothing at all, Mr. Schue. I've never been better."

He looked at his student for a moment, and decided not to ask.

Finn folded the note in half and placed it in his lyrics book, (He figured that was the safest place for it, considering he wouldn't let anyone else come near his lyrics book. Ever.) and took a seat on the end of a row.

He watched the other Glee members slowly come in and fill in the seats around him, as he scribbled messy lyrics into the notebook, scared he would lose them if he didn't write them as quickly as they appeared to him. Finn may not have been too smart, but when it came to writing, he was kind of a genius. Even _he_ didn't know where the words came from, or why they chose to come to him. But they did.

Now that he thought about it, the words came to him when he was inspired by things. At one time, he used to think Quinn inspired him. And then... Suddenly, it just began to fade. And when that happened, he sort of knew that trouble was coming. And then they'd had sex, and then trouble came. And it seemed like he'd written more lyrics now, in the past six months, than he'd ever written in his life.

He wrote more about Quinn for a very short time, and then a lot about Kurt, and about confusion, and then Quinn told him about the baby, and he wrote about that. About how you can love something you've never even seen. About how very special this new little life was. About things changing, getting better. About worrying whether he was ready or not. And then... Well, of course, Rachel told him about Puck. That was the first time he'd ever cursed in any of his songs. Normally it seemed un-poetic, and unneeded. But _that_ was needed.

Really, he just needed a way to feel better. To make all the feelings go away for a while. To clear his head.

That's why the words came.

And that's why, when he was finished and put his book away, then saw Kurt walk in with half of a heart-shaped lollipop in his mouth, he had to get his book right back out again.

_**That's all for now, but I'm starting on the next chapter already. So, hopefully, it won't be long. I can never tell. By the way, thanks for the reviews. 3 Reviewers are the bombdiggity. :D I did just go there.**_


	7. Shock And Auditions

**Chapter 7  
_I cannot thank you enough for all the support and positive reviews I'm getting. This is easily my most-read story (Thanks!!!) and my personal second favorite of all that I've written to date. I will try my very best to update more often. But if you write, you know how hard it is to find the words sometimes._**  
_  
_

**Alright. Let's not keep you waiting any longer.**

**Chapter 7 - Shock And Auditions**

**  
**  
_'can't be right._  
_can't be real, can't be sane._  
_can't be worthy,_  
_of you, makin me feel this way.'_

Finn scribbled, daring another look at Kurt in his adorable innocence.

Another look at his little pink tongue against the sweet red candy Finn was really beginning to regret giving him.

_'can't be trusted,  
even if i'm tryin to stay away,  
and deny the lust and  
hidden meanings in what i say'_

Yes, he would definately have to think through his next bright idea for Monday. He'd get right on that. When he got back to actually being able to think...

Kurt came and sat next to him.

"Hey Finn. Whatcha writin?"

"Kurt! Uh, nothing. Nothing. Just uh, dumb lyrics, that's all. They're not even that good." He said as he shut the book, hiding everything away. _'Good God. I really need to start paying attention.'_

"Aw, can I see? I'm sure they can't be that bad." Kurt said, after pulling the lollipop out of his mouth with a loud pop.

_'Notthinkingaboutsex. Notthinkingaboutsex...' _Finn thought, with a sigh, trying to shut down that thought before it started.

_'Oh! Oops. Now he's annoyed at me...' _Kurt thought. _'I was just trying to be a friend...'_

"I normally never let anyone read them... It's just a thing with me. Sorry."

"Oh. I don't blame you. I'm the same way. But if you ever want someone to listen, I'd love to." Kurt smiled, hoping Finn wasn't angry with him. He glanced down at the front of the notebook, which was plain, other than the word 'Lyrics' neatly printed across the top. He could swear that handwriting looked familiar...

"Thanks. Same to you. I'd kinda like to hear what goes on inside your head." Finn answered with a grin.

_'Damn right you would, since most of it's about you. Well, and this new lover person... Why can't you just see me through my lover's eyes?' _Kurt thought.

**_(Oh! The dramatic irony!)_**

"I'm not so sure." Kurt said, in a questionable sort of way, licking at his candy, his eyes smiling.

_'What did he mean by that? And why did it sound so... sexual?"_

"Whatever you say. But I bet your songs are about a million times better than mine."

"Oh, I'm sure yours are awesome."

Finn opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off.

"Alright. Happy Friday everyone. And as I told you yesterday, I moved auditions to today, to give you one more day of practice. So let's start now. I'd like to hear all of you try out, please. I'm not going to force you, but as a performer, it is to your benefit to take every opportunity offered to you. So, with that said, who would like to start?"

"I'll start, Mr. Schue. I practiced until late last night, hoping I would get the part!" Rachel exclaimed.

"All right Rachel, then. Start from the beginning, go ahead."

And yeah, it was another Rachel Berry audition. You all know how they are. No need to explain, right?

On the top row, the cheerleaders seemed to be having a heated discussion. Well, an argument. Trying to get Quinn to try out.

"Me and Santana are going to try out." Brittany said.

"Santana and I." Santana corrected her.

"Huh?"

"Nothing Brittany. Just smile and look pretty."

"Okay." And, well, she smiled.

Santana rolled her eyes, ever so subtly. "Quinn, it would be really cute if you and Puck did this together. Think about it."

"Yeah but... I don't really want to be center stage right now, in my condition." She looked down at the round belly that looked... misplaced on such a tiny body as hers.

"Yeah, but, it's a way for Puck to show his love for you. And for you to show that a girl can still be strong, even when she's pregnant. Because you _are_ strong, Quinn."

"Thanks Santana." She sighed, concentrating on some unseen object. "And you know... I think I will."

"Yay!" Santana and Brit quietly applauded her, seconds before Rachel's audition finished.

"Okay..." Mr. Schue said, "Very nice, Rachel... Who else?" He smiled.

"I'll go next." Quinn volunteered, shocking most of the room, because she normally didn't audition for anything, and for the past few months had been fighting to keep the spotlight _off_ of her.

"Oh Quinn! Great!" Mr. Schue said. "Just go ahead and start at the beginning, whenever you're ready.

The first couple lines were unsure, kind of shaky. Even though the blond girl had quite a voice, she was still nervous.

But as she hit the chorus, her voice got louder and she got more sure of herself, and she sounded... Beautiful. The song was great for her voice. It was simple and sweet, no extra frills, nothing complicated or difficult. And her voice was sweet and melodic and honest. And it caught the attention of everyone in the room.

When she finished her piece, everyone cheered wildly. Even Rachel clapped for her, knowing Quinn had just beaten her.

"Quinn, that was amazing!" Mr. Schue complimented her. "Where have you been hiding that voice?"

Quinn shrugged cutely. "Just shy, I guess."

"Wow. Anybody gonna challenge that?" The teacher looked around skeptically.

A minute passed. Kurt looked at Finn sadly out of the corner of his eye. _'Why can't I be like her...'_ He thought, with a quiet sigh.

"Okay then. Boys, let's find Quinn a partner."

_'I'd never admit how much I wish I could be what Finn wanted. But... I wouldn't want to be Quinn... I'd make a terribly bitchy pregnant teenage cheerleader.'_ He sat and mused on that thought as two less-than-spectacular auditions went by.

And was brought out of this unfortunate train of thought by the volunteering of Finn.

"I'll go next."

Exactly three heads turned to look at Finn, at exactly the same time.

Kurt's, the look on his face somewhere between sadness and panic.

Quinn's, her eyes saying something along the lines of '_Finn... Why? Why now? Why you? Why this?'_And Puck. With an unmistakable death glare.

And Finn noticed all of them as he got up, and didn't really know what to feel as he tried to avoid everyone's eyes.

Kurt stared at him, while trying to look like he wasn't staring.

Finn seriously considered singing with his eyes shut. But he didn't. Instead he pretty much stared at his feet the whole time.

He still sounded amazing though, like the song was made for his voice, and when he finished, Kurt was the first one to start cheering. The rest of the room joined in, except for Quinn and Puck, the latter of whom just sat there with the evilest of looks.

"That was great Fi-"

"Next." Puck demanded, suddenly in the front of the room, his face inches from Finn's.

Their eyes met. The look in Puck's eyes struck fear in Finn's.

"Dare you." He growled as Finn turned to go sit down. Nobody else caught the split second exchange and other than a glare over his shoulder, Finn was going to act like it didn't happen. For now. He figured it was just Puck being protective over his precious pregnant cheerleader.

_'Trust me. You have nothing to worry about there.'_ Finn thought wryly.

"Wow Finn, you were so much better than last time." Kurt started, "Not that last time wasn't good... Nevermind. You know what I mean."

Finn had to laugh at Kurt's cuteness. "Yeah, I got it."

They both turned to watch Puck's audition.

Even Kurt had to agree, it was the best performance he'd ever seen from Puck. Even better than the time he sang to Rachel to try to get in her pants. _(cringe)_

And he had to admit that, through anyone else's eyes, Puck actually stood a chance at getting the part. He was shocked at how such a gentle, sweet sound could come out of a person that was so rough and harsh.

Everyone was staring as Puck got finished and looked over at Mr. Schuester, who gave him the motion to go sit. He did, with an awfully arrogant smile that only he could pull off. And he was looking right at Finn.

Finn stared back, calm on the outside, but boiling mad on the inside. He didn't know what made him this way. And his mind didn't seem to want to think about it.

"Finn?" He heard a sweet little voice ask, seemingly in his own subconscious. "Um ...Finn...? You alright?"

He realized it wasn't his own head when he felt Kurt's small hand on his arm.

"Yeah." He said, trying to stay angry, but the emotion quickly fading from his body.

"Please don't do something dumb, like beat up Puck. Trust me, he's not worth it." The smaller boy was staring at Finn's hands, which had, without Finn's knowing, somehow curled up into fists. He cleared his throat and relaxed his hands.

"Yeah of course. I mean, it's not like he has anything to prove to me anyway." Which was a fact that he was pointing out more for his own benefit than Kurt's.

A hint of a smile tugged at Finn's lips as the bell rang.

Everyone looked at Mr. Schue as if to say '...well?'

"You guys will find out on Monday who gets the part." He announced.

**_Teehee. I'm so evil. I'm seeing a whole new conflict here. More conflict, more chapters. :D  
Which brings me to this.  
Btw, the editor thing on ff was being weird, so there's a bolditalic line that's supposed to be normal. I apologize.  
If there is anything you'd like to see in this story, or have any ideas for what may happen, any dramatic twists or whatever, message me. I love to hear ideas. _**  
**_Oh and, if 'Shock And Auditions' sounds like a pun to you, that's because it is one. (I know, it's a _****_pretty awful one too.)_**

**_:D_**  
**_-Lina/TroubledThoughts_**


	8. A Clue

****

**_Well uh... I have no excuse. And honestly, I have no idea when this is going to be updated again. I have the end all figured out and written out, so I can assure you that this eventually will get done. _Someday_, this story will say 'complete' after it. That's a promise. But that will probably be a long time from now. I plan to have about 14 chapters in total. But right now, as far as inspiration and will to write, I am at a complete loss. Partly because I suck at self-motivation. Partly because the writers of Glee have now addressed (and basically disproved) a Finn/Kurt relationship in the show. It was okay when it was just assumed that they would never work out. But seeing them pick it apart and demonstrate _why_ it will never work out is really getting to me. It makes it harder to love them. Not that I don't love them anymore, it's just... More difficult._**

**_So, with that said, I present your next chapter._**

Chapter 8 - A Clue

-Monday Morning, 1st Period, With Finn-

_'Why are you special? Do you really have to ask? There's nothing about you that isn't special. You're absolutely beautiful, from the inside to the outside. You're smart, and you're cute, and I find your attitude adorable, and you have amazing singing voice. I love your sense of style, I love how perfect you look when you dance. Must I keep going, Kurt? There's no reason to ask why you, or why you're special. Cause I know that you are the one I want. The only one I want._

_And why can't I tell you who I am? Simple. I don't want you to know yet. You'll find out when the time's right.'_

Finn did not sign the letter. 'Secret Lover' sounded too much like a hippie song. 'Secret Admirer' sounded too much like a cliche romance novel. And he was too scared to sign his initials, and too smart to give a fake name. So he didn't sign it.

That was all he had for Kurt today. He'd been running late this morning and didn't have a chance to pick something up.

He'd find something really awesome for tomorrow.

* * *

However...

Finn had given Kurt more than he knew he was giving him.

Aha. A hint.

'You have an amazing singing voice.'

'Singing voice? Who have I sung for? Other than in gl- Wait, what if he is in glee? He must be in glee. I haven't sung for anyone else other than my family. He's... Erm, or she's in glee. Who could possibly like me that's in glee?' His mind immediately jumped to Finn. 'That would make sense! That's why he's been late every day! That's why he was watching me while he was singing!'

He couldn't keep the smile off his face as he walked into glee and sat down next to Finn, purposely.

"Good morning Finn." He greeted him, huge smile on his face. He put an arm around him in greeting, and Finn hugged him back, albeit slightly hesitantly.

"Uhm, good morning. You're... In a great mood today." He pointed out, though it was obvious.

"Yes I am. It's just so great to be here, with everyone, and on such a great morning, and we get to find out who gets the parts today, and... Today's just a great day." He sighed happily and settled back in his seat, ankles crossed, right as Mr. Schue walked in.

"I've got your results right here." He announced, holding up an envelope.

"But... You didn't try out..." Finn commented to Kurt in a low whisper.

"Oh, I know. But I'm still interested in finding out who did get it."

Finn nodded and looked away, not really wanting to take his eyes off the way Kurt was smiling.

"Our soloists, or rather, our duet, will be... Quinn aaanddd..."

Everyone focused intently. Puck and Finn looked at their teacher nervously, expectantly.

"Finn." He finished.

"Finn!"Puck shouted out, jumping up from his seat.

"Yes, Puck." Mr. Schue said, trying to sound nonconfrontational and calming, hoping to God that he wasn't going to make a scene, or worse, quit.

"But I was so much better than him. And Quinn would much rather sing with me." He snarled, turning to direct that last comment at Quinn.

Everyone turned to look at her.

She looked like a deer in headlights. "Puck?" she choked out, clearly not appreciating the attention.

"Wouldn't you?", he demanded, clearly expecting the 'right' answer.

"I... Well I..."

"Puck," Mr. Schue came to her rescue, "It doesn't matter what Quinn thinks in this situation. It was completely based on the auditions."

"So you're saying I'm not good enough?"

"No, thats not what I'm saying at all. He was better suited for the part, that's all."

Puck gave him a glare before storming out of the room. "That's a bunch of bullshit..." He muttered, throwing a vicious glance back at Finn before slamming the door on his way out.

The group stared at the door, silently.

Finn was the first to speak.

"Mr. Schue, I'm sorry. I'll give him the part if you want. I'll even--"

"No Finn. Keep the part. You deserve it. I'll go talk to Puck. I'll work it out."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." He walked out behind Puck.

Kurt looked over at Finn.

"That could have gone better..." he said softly, as the rest of the gleeks faded into their own conversations.

"Yeah, it coulda." Finn agreed nervously.

"Why'd he flip out like that?"

"Quinn, I guess. But... He doesn't really have anything to worry about. It's over. And I wish he wouldn't get so..." He snapped his fingers, searching for the word.

"Confrontational? Defensive?" Kurt guessed.

"Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I've got my eye on someone else, you know? Quinn's great and all but... I don't love her."

"Yeah." Kurt said, trying to keep the smile off his face. "I hate that some people just don't get that."

"Me too. I wish I could just... Tell them."

"You should. I'm sure they feel the same way about you." Kurt smiled genuinely.

"I hope so." Finn smiled back, hope in his eyes.

Puck walked in, head down, hands folded, in front of Mr. Schuester.

"I'm sorry guys. Especially you, Quinn."

She forgave him, quietly, and then he took a seat alone.

Finn could feel Puck's glare boring into the back of his head the whole rest of class.

He was extremely glad looks couldn't kill.  
**_  
Okay seriously? Between the flaws/glitches of Edit/Preview thing on ff and those of Yahoo mail, I have spent AN HOUR just trying to UPLOAD this chapter. Seriously. I'm about to scream, about to throw my laptop, and about to give up writing altogether. Seriously. If it's going to be this fucking hard, I'm just not going to bother anymore._**


	9. Whatever I Want?

_**This is a freebie cause 1.) it was already written and 2.) both of these chapters are so damn short.**_

_**-Tuesday Morning- (February 8th)**_

* * *

It was a panda bear today. It was very cute and had huge eyes. Stealthily, (erm, as 'stealthy' as Finn got), Finn pulled it from his backpack and set it in Kurt's locker. It was before school, and he was well aware that he wasn't really supposed to be in the halls yet. But a teacher _had_ let him in. Even if he'd lied and said he was going to the library to work on a project. He'd find a way out of it. Or, better yet, just not get caught.

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind than he heard footsteps coming down the corridor. High-heeled footsteps.

There was nowhere for Finn to go. He froze, his mind trying it's hardest to form a convincing enough lie. He didn't even bother to shut the metal door.

He dared to look over as the person turned the corner.

Rachel?

"Finn? What are you doing?"

"Ah, nothing." He answered.

"Looks like something. What'd you put in there?"

He tried to shut the locker before she could see inside, but she grabbed the door from the other side and Finn was caught.

She picked up the black and red panda bear by its ear and held it out in front of her, as if it was diseased.

"_You _are giving _this_ to _Kurt?_"

"No, see it was... For a friend, and--"

"Your lack of proficiency in lying is unbelivable. Why are you doing this for Kurt..." She threw it back at him, "Oh wait. All that stuff... You got him everything! The flowers, the candy, the--"

"What! What the hell Rachel? What are you talking about? Why would _I_ ever do that?" This would all be ruined if anyone found out.

"You are opposing my accusations with questions rather than answers. Stop trying to lie to me. I've figured you out."

"But--"

"I'm not going to believe you. And when I go tell everyone, they're not going to believe you either. They're going to believe me."

"Okay fine!" He called after her, desperately, throwing the stuffed panda in the locker and slamming it shut. "Fine, I'm lying, I did it! Just please, please, don't tell anyone! I'll do whatever you want!" He followed after her.

"Whatever I want?" She turned around.

"Anything! Please Rachel!" He stopped, his eyes pleading.

She smiled deviously. "Will you kiss me, Finn?"

Finn gulped. _'Damned if I do it. Damned if I don't.'

* * *

_

_'Why would Mr. Carlson need to see me _this_ early in the morning? I'm not failing his class. I haven't done anything wrong. I wasn't really really good either. Just kinda average. Quiet, even.' _Kurt thought.

He continued on his way through the nearly silent halls.  
_  
'I'll go the long way. I don't want to get there _too _early."_So he turned and walked down a set of stairs on his left, then turned the corner.

He paused when he saw two people making out in the middle of the empty hallway. His initial reaction was to look away. I mean, staring at a couple making out is kinda awkward. But was that... Rachel? (_No way... Who would want to kiss someone that dressed like that?) ..._He did a quick double take, as the girl was facing away from him and he could only see her back. Yeah. It was Rachel. And... (Kurt's heart felt like it was being torn up and stomped on)

Finn.

His breath caught in his throat, and for a moment he just stood there dumbfounded.

Finn let his eyes flutter open for a second. This was far from the best kiss he'd ever had. And besides that, he didn't really _want _anyone to see him kissing Rachel Berry. Even if it _was _just a form of bribery.

Just as he looked up, someone came around the corner. _'Oh fuck' _he thought, not even caring who it was, just that they would probably spread it around that him and Berry were some kind of item. And then he realized who it was standing at the end of the hall speechless and motionless. _Oh double fuck._

Kurt.

Before Finn closed his eyes, he saw the other boy walk away. He wanted to yell out to him, to scream, to cry, to admit everything.

But what could he say? What could he really say?

Nothing.

So he shut up and kept kissing Rachel.

_**Like I said, I have no idea when I'm going to update, but THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE. Thanks a million zillion times for being patient with me, as this story is kinda drivin' me nuts right now. But guys, I'm trying. Okay? I'm trying my hardest to just get **_**something_ out, even if it's short. And know that, even if it takes months, I have not forgotten about you. In fact, chances are, at any given moment, I'm probably agonizing over this. So fear not, you will not be forgotten.  
By the way, thanks, ff publishing system, for screwing up my formatting. AGAIN._**


	10. I'm Not Okay

_**So I got this review. Well, I've gotten a lot of reviews. But the most recent included the question of 'what the hell is up with Puck?'. And well, that little question just formed into a perfecct scene in my head, and that's what made me pick back up on this story again after all this time. So thanks a million! :D (By the way, no, the answer is not in this chapter, but the next -sort of-. You will find out in due time, though. It's coming.)**_

Even though the early meeting was about a field trip to Florida at the end of the semester, Kurt still wanted to cry when he walked out of the classroom, headed to first period.

_'Can't believe I was so stupid. What the hell was I thinking? I actually thought that _Finn_, Finn Hudson, who is one of the _most popular_ guys in the school, not to mention the hottest, and who, oh yeah, is _straight _and only dates cheerleaders, would like _me. _Yeah. How'd that one work out?'_

_'There was me. I was senseless. I was trapped in a hopeful and vicious heart-shaped storm. There was you. You were beautiful. And I thought for a second that my dreams could become something more._

_Then there was her. She was infamous. But still you chose her over me._

_Cause you think we were never meant to be, and you don't know that I love you, secretly. Cause you refuse to see what's best for you, and I will never figure out just what to do.'_

Honestly, he had no idea of anything that happened in his first class. Lessons were so... Useless compared to this. This pain that made lyrics. It was so much more valuable than any boring grammar class. This was real. He was going to use these someday. ... Probably.

A long letter that he was never going to give to Finn filled up most of his second class. It was one part ranting, two parts grieving, one one part confession of undying love. Yes, it was melodramatic and emotional and something fit for a monologue on a stage somewhere. But it helped him feel better and nobody was ever going to see it, so it didn't really matter _what _it sounded like.

When he was done with it, he folded it in two and, just for the sick satisfaction of _pretending _he was brave enough to actually give it to the other boy, he neatly printed Finn's name across the front.

The bell caught him off-guard, so he didn't have time to put it in his notebook before he walked out.

He put the letter on a shelf in his locker so he could pick up the adorable black and red panda bear. It was the first thing to make him smile all day, and he kinda needed it. Even if this person wasn't perfect, even if they were too scared to tell him they liked him, at least he knew they wouldn't turn on him like Finn. They wouldn't be making out with some girl and still leading him on. Cause whoever this was, they _cared _about him. And Finn sure as hell didn't.

He held the little bear to his chest and brought it with him to glee. He was convinced that this, having to see Finn for almost an hour, was _not _something he could do alone. Especially if he was all over Rachel the whole time. If he was, Kurt would just _walk out_. He didn't know where he'd go. Probably just go sit in his car or something, tell Mr. Schue he was going to talk to Miss Pillsbury.

But he wasn't. He and Rachel didn't even talk the whole time. Finn didn't even so much as _look at_ Rachel. That should have been encouraging, but it only served to create more frustration. Why? Why wouldn't they act like they're together, if they _are _together? And this morning, they looked _very _together.

It wasn't that either of them were shy. He'd seen both of them with different people at school before, so why would this be any different?

It just didn't make sense.

And then, at the end of rehearsal, while they were waiting for the bell to ring, Finn even came and asked him if he was okay.

Kurt let out a long sigh at the other boy's question, seriously wondering how he should answer it, before replying, in a gentle, almost cheerful voice, "No, I'm not Finn. I'm not fine, and I'm not okay, and I probably won't be for a very long time. Thanks." He smiled in a sickeningly sweet manner.

He calmly walked out, leaving Finn with this awful sinking feeling in his chest.

That's when Finn knew there was only one thing left to do.

_**This chapter is obnoxiously short, so ya get another one for free. :) -...I just thought that those last two lines were a good chapter-ender. Teehee.-**_


	11. It's All Your Fault

**_Sorry I haven't updated... Blah, blah, blah... Florida... Blah, blah, blah... Family... School... Still care about you guys... Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you know the drill. Read, and pray that my muse comes to me while my laptop is available. Love you guys._**

Oh and, fair warning. Puck curses a lot _in this one._

Finn couldn't get Kurt's expression out of his head all day. Even as he was walking to his car in the school's parking lot, he was still imagining the cold calmness in his eyes that just made his pain echo so much louder.

So intently focused was he on his plan for tomorrow that would unquestionably change his and Kurt's relationship, that he didn't notice Puck waiting for him, leaning against his car until he nearly ran right into him.

Needless to say, the powerful strike of Puck's fist to his stomach completely shocked him.

He groaned and doubled over, holding his stomach, cause damn, Puck punched _really_ hard.

"That's for kissing Rachel." Puck snarled, crossing his arms over his chest.

Finn tried to answer him but thought if he opened his mouth, he'd probably throw up.

"You don't wanna know what'll happen if I hear that you even _touch her_ again."

Finn struggled to stand up, his hand reaching for the side of his car and using it to steady himself as he slowly stood up, still holding his stomach, which was throbbing.

"Puck..." He finally managed to get out, voice strained and thin, "She kissed me."

Puck grabbed him by his shirt and his shoulder and slammed him against the car.

"_What _did you say?" The words were slow and deliberate and this was one of those questions that he could lie about and get off the hook, or be honest and probably get his ass kicked even more.

Finn Hudson was a lot of things. He was not, however, a liar.

"I said..." His voice returning slightly, "She kissed me."

"Like hell she did!" Puck went to swing at Finn's face, but Finn ducked out of the way, breaking the other boy's one-handed grip on him.

"I swear!" Finn begged, dodging Puck's fists, and managing to kick Puck somewhere around his knees.

"Don't you lie!" Puck demanded, biting his lip to keep from making a face at the rather forceful kick.

"Dammit Puck!" Finn caught him by the collar and shoved him backwards, sending him colliding noisily with the car door. "Listen to me!"

He held him by the shoulders, like he was about to shake him, and finally Puck just looked up at him, glaring like he was an annoyance that he just didn't want to deal with. But at least he wasn't trying to kill him anymore.

"She kissed me. I didn't want her to. I didn't ask her to. I don't want Rachel Berry. And I don't wanna fight. Honest to God, I'd rather we just leave each other alone and never speak of this again." Finn admitted, panting slightly.

"You... You don't get it, do you?" Puck glared up at him, wishing he would just get his hands off of him.

"I don't get what...?" Finn asked, seriously lost here.

"It's _your _fault. It's _all_ your fault. Everything. You stole Quinn from me. I'm the _father _of her _baby_ and she _still_ loves you more. You stole _Rachel _from me, the _only _girl I ever actually _trusted _enough to try to have a relationship with, and she can't be with me 'cause she'd rather be with _you._ Not to mention half the cheerleaders wanna do you, and you don't even know their names. And here I am, trying to win them over, and they're only chasing after you."

Through all this, Finn just stared at him. He'd never realized that _his_ actions affected Puck so much.

Puck continued, after a pause to catch his breath.

"And after all that, you're not even _grateful_. You could have any of them. You could make them _happy_, especially Rachel, cause dammit, I _want _her to be happy. She _deserves _to be happy. I care about her more than I care about myself sometimes, and I'd do anything for her and... You break her, you hurt her without any regret. How can you do that Finn? You could have her, or Quinn, who are both so perfect, but you'd rather go chase after _Hummel?_ It's unfair. It's wrong."

"How'd you..." -How'd you know about me and Kurt?- was what he was going for before Puck cut him off.

"Finn, it's so fucking obvious."

"Puck..." Finn shook his head, at a loss of what to say. He licked his lips nervously and gave it a shot anyway, the words tumbling all over each other. "I'm sorry for... For taking what was yours. That wasn't my intention, trust me. And I wasn't trying to hurt Rachel, either, or Quinn, or anyone."

"But you did."

"I know I did. I was only thinking about..." He stopped and sighed, "About me and Kurt."

Puck's eyes narrowed. "Yeah. You were."

"I just hope you make _him _happy." Puck muttered under his breath.

"Huh?" Finn asked. As close as their faces currently were, he still couldn't tell what Puck was saying. And that bothered him because it meant that Finn wasn't _supposed _to hear it. And it was about Kurt.

"Nothin'."

"Something."

"Dude. Nothin'."

"What'd you say about him?" Finn's grip on Puck's shoulders tightened.

Puck gave him a death glare. "It doesn't matter, Finn. Just drop it." He made a move to walk off, but Finn held on.

"Finn! Lemme go! I didn't insult your lover, or whatever the hell he is. You have no fucking reason to be mad at me! So let me go."

Finn looked at him, as they both stood there, frozen in the longest moment moment of wondering what was going to happen Puck had ever suffered through. (And that's saying a lot.)

"Is trying to beat me up not a good enough reason for me to be angry? I could kick your ass right now, Puck, but I won't. I don't wanna fight you, I don't wanna hate you. I really don't. So just stop. Just tell me what you said, and I'll let you go. And everything will be fine."

"Like it's that simple! It might be like that for you, cause you get everything you want. What do I ever get? I'm so damn jealous of you."

"Jealous? Of... Me?" Finn dropped his hands to his side and took a step back, returning Puck his freedom.

"Yeah, don't go around tellin' people or anything."

And with that, he walked off, playing the part of the wounded warrior. Finn rubbed his own aching shoulder and watched him walk away, not even bothering to chase him down.

_**So I was going to write a real fight scene. I originally went into this trying to. Ha, look how that worked out. Ah, well. It made its point. So uh, if anyone that can actually write fight scenes wants to do some editing and tweaking and send me a better version of this, you're welcome to. I'll publish it in place of this chapter and totally give you credit. ...Is that some sort of cheating?**_


	12. I Never Could

_**Ah hell. It seems I've lost whatever document this story was saved in. So all the work I did on it, as far as future chapters, is destroyed. And should I mention, I've got this terrible short-term memory problem? Well, guess I've gotta do what all other writers do at times like this... Make something up! (I wrote this chapter about three days ago, and had not foreseen this little backstory until I started on it.) Anyway, more stuff... Sometime. I can't tell you soon, but I'll try to make it soon. As I have said many, many times before... This story will have an end. And it will be a good one, not a rushed trying-to-tie-loose-ends-together one. Anyway, I know you're dying to get to the new stuff. So enjoy, my readers. Enjoy.**_

_'I never could.'_

Puck aimed and drove his fist into the punching bag, thinking over his earlier confrontation with Finn.

Why had he said so damn much? Finn didn't need any of that information to hold over Puck's head. All Finn needed was a nice fist to the nose.

_-thwack- _another punch to the heavy red bag hanging before him.

It wasn't right, you know? Finn Hudson, what did he deserve, anyway? Certainly not everything he wanted.

Puck wasn't sure if 'he' meant Finn or himself.

He did have everything Puck wanted. That was very much true.

He had even once wanted to be that golden boy that Finn was. It might have been quite some time ago, but he had once wanted to be that social standard. That perfect American boy, that can do no wrong. That could have been Puck. It could have easily been Puck. He had not always been this way. In fact, he spent several years of his life being extremely polite, well-mannered, and generally good-natured, and could pinpoint the moment in time that his life had abruptly changed direction.

He was in the sixth grade. It was January 8th. A Saturday.

Kurt Hummel was a friend of his. Kurt was also rumored to be gay. And Puck didn't care. He was drawn to Kurt. The way he acted, the way he talked, his attitude, his intelligence, his little quirks and mannerisms... Everything drew Puck in. So Puck didn't care if Kurt was gay, straight, or anything else. He just liked the kid. Often he would stand up for Kurt against the ruthless, unrefined masses that did not understand the other boy. And there were a certain few people that simply couldn't get over that.

Namely, the middle school football team, which Puck was a big part of. They constantly went on about Puck having a crush on Kurt, about the two of them having this 'secret relationship', about Puck wanting to 'hook up' with him, and all array of other obscene things. All this started around the beginning of the school year, and finally, on January 8th, it reached a breaking point.

It was a sunny Saturday, unusually warm for January, and Puck was outside with some guys from the neighborhoods around his, playing a pickup game of street hockey.

After a soaring victory over the other team, Martin May, a football friend from the opposing hockey team had approached him. "So, gonna invite Hummel over for a little post-victory celebration?"

At first, Puck had been confused. "There's no... Party. Me and Grant were gonna hang out for a while. Why? Wanna come?" This kid had been mocking him for a while, but Puck had always been nothing if not forgiving.

"Ha, I don't mean that kinda party, Puckerman. More along the lines of a party Kurt would be spending on his knees..."

"Yeah, shut the fuck up."

"Wow, powerful words. Didn't think you had it in you... But then again, there's probably been a few other things _in_you that you don't want anyone to know about..." The older boy snickered at his own joke, casually moving to walk away.

Puck's blood was boiling. He'd heard a lot, but this kid was really crossing the line.

"You know that's not true." Puck growled, his voice taking on a vengeance that he had never even known he had.

"Do I?" Martin asked, stopping in his tracks, and shooting Puck an arrogant glance over his shoulder.

"Yeah. I don't know why you think its okay to talk like that, but it's not. You need to stop."

"Awe, little Noah's angry... You won't do anything."

"Wanna bet?"

Martin smirked in response.

That was the moment.

The moment Puck decided enough was enough. The moment he realized that no matter how nice you try to be to people, they'll always be assholes to you anyway. As long as you let people step on you, they'll use you like a doormat. And that wasn't right. So he started standing up for himself. It was the end of Noah. And the beginning of Puck.

Puck lunged at Martin, tackling him to the ground. All that was in Puck was a blind fury, and to this day, he still can't quite figure out what came over him as he drove his fist into Martin over and over, couldn't figure out what told him to slam Martin's head into the gravelly asphalt, couldn't figure out how he was actually standing up to someone so much bigger, older, and stronger than him. And to this day, he still can't find Noah, the boy that could have been that golden boy.

The street hockey boys had seen him, so naturally, the news was all over the school by the next day. He became the hero, who had kicked the ass of the unconquerable Martin May, one of the strongest guys in the school. People that had never noticed him were really noticing him now. _Girls _that had never noticed him were suddenly coming out of nowhere, with all sorts of silly love notes and gifts.

So, he did as any other middle school boy would do, and took his pick of the prettiest. Sure she was shallow, bitchy, and moody, but she let him put his hand up her shirt under the bleachers once.

Nobody ever found out what the fight was about, and soon, Puck himself began to forget. He began to forget the way having Kurt around made him feel like himself. He began to forget how Kurt would help him through anything, no matter what, and how he always had good advice for Puck. He began to see that being this close, this dependent on another boy wasn't... Normal. So between that thought, and the beginnings of a new life looming before him, he quickly and easily forgot about Kurt, one of his very closest friends.

By the time a month had passed, he was completely ignoring Kurt, who had been the beginning of all of this, in favor of the girls who were charmed by his presence.

And a year later, he finally became so engrossed in his new life, his new friends, his new attitiude, that he joined the ranks of the asshole football players, making fun of all the nerds etc that were not football players themselves. And the next year, on Febuary 14th, he found himself face-to-face with Kurt Hummel, the only openly gay guy in their middle school, as he finished spraypainting 'fag' on Kurt's locker. There was no dare Puck would not take.

He was hurt, Kurt was. Puck could see it in his eyes. Kurt had nearly started crying. He had blinked several times, his eyes shining with tears, but had kept his composure.

"So that's how it is now, Noah." He had said.

Puck's breath had frozen in his throat. His chest ached as he remembered how much Kurt had once meant to him, and realized that he was acting no better towards Kurt than Martin had acted towards him.

But there was nothing he could do about it now.

He dropped the can of pink spraypaint at Kurt's feet, and, unable to face him any longer, disappeared.

In that moment, he realized another thing. Being golden boy wasn't all he had wanted.

Kurt. He wanted Kurt. And now, it was way too late.

In the present time, Puck's fist once again collided with the punching bag.

Under his breath, he muttered:  
_  
"I hope you make him happy, cause _I _never could."_

_**Well then. Some of us may have seen that coming. Hopefully, I'm not getting too predictable here. I realize that this all may be a little vague and confusing, on Puck's part, and that you may be wondering what this has to do with any of the rest of the story... But I promise, I'll clarify everything.**_


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